There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
