what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
