I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
