I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
