She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
