nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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