Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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