i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
