It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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