I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
