Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
