I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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