ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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