You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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