Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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