The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
