How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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