He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
