Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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