I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
