in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How does one acquire holy water?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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