That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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