It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Barsexuality is the new black.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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