what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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