I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
