If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
