ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
