I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
