I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
