i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
