you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
