Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
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Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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