You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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