Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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