I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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