I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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