I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just leave with hair like that
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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