i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
