new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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