I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
worst night to have a conscience
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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