It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
