i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
