she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Sext me about skeletons
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
