Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
