im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
