One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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