what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
being pregnant is like rehab
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
