I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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