I accidentally had phone sex last night
I am in a vortex of obligation.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
