my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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