When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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