Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
