I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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