So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
